Day 10: Cars
FIONA and MARCIA are in the front seat of MARCIA’S older sedan. FIONA is in her early 20s. Audience members are in the back seat.
MARCIA
First thing to remember is: you are in control. The second thing is to double check that you and any passengers -
(looks meaningfully at the audience members)
- are buckled up and safe.
FIONA
I still don’t understand why we can’t just use our transit passes until the day we die…
MARCIA
We certainly /can/ do that. But learning how to drive a car is something everyone should know how to do. In case of emergency.
FIONA
Wouldn’t calling 911 be a more efficient thing to do if there was an emergency?
MARCIA
Not an emergency-emergency… but like a… you want ice cream at 12am and there’s no bus coming until 5am.
FIONA
The flaw in that logic is you think I would ever be in a position where the freezer would be ice cream-less. So you see, there’s no reason for me to learn.
MARCIA
I’m beginning to understand why your parents gave up on making you learn.
(beat)
Don’t look so hopeful. I am not giving up that easy. Now, once everyone is buckled up. You turn the car on and put it in gear. Mr. Garfield was nice enough to leave us enough space to pull out without going in reverse, so you can put the car in Drive. Check your mirrors to make sure no one is coming, and if you really want to follow the rules of the road, you should also put your blinker on. I say if you really want to follow the rules because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a licensed driver younger than me ever signal to pull out into traffic from the curb. But probably since you need to pass the test… it’s good to keep it in mind.
(FIONA signals. There’s actual traffic so she’ll wait if necessary, if not she’ll pull out - slightly suddenly- remember when you were first learning to drive? Don’t judge her.)
Good. Now, we are going to start really easy. We are going to go around the block. Only right turns, stop signs at every intersection.
(FIONA follows the instructions. Her turns are a little wide; she’s driving a little slow. No one is in danger, but she’s clearly a beginner.)
Very good. Very good. Your turns are a little wide. We can work on that. The hand over hand will help make the turns tighter.
(As FIONA turns to be on the same stretch they started, MARCIA gasps)
FIONA
What! What did I do?
MARCIA
You’re fine, honey. Just pull in to the spot you came out of. There you go.
(She is clearly distracted by something on the sidewalk. FIONA is in the spot now. She puts the car in park and begins to turn it off and get out, but MARCIA waves at her to stop.)
Fee, do you see that woman across the street? In all black.
FIONA
The one with the cane?
MARCIA
Yes. She used to be my neighbor. Her husband was with the mafia. I’m pretty sure they went into witness protection. What is she -
(The woman crosses toward the side of the street they are parked on.)
Quick! Act normal!
FIONA
What do you mean act normal? If I was being normal there’s no way I would be in the driver’s seat!
MARCIA
Check your mirrors… here, I’ll look like I’m trying to find a radio station.
(The woman walks by the car and goes up to a duplex. MARCIA’S duplex. The one that in theory this woman shared with MARCIA. She looks around to see if anyone is watching and rings the bell for the other apartment. She waits several moments, then, (rather indiscreetly, but who would be watching this old woman, right?) she picks the lock. )
FIONA
Did she just-
MARCIA
Let’s drive around the block again. Look for a blue Camry that’s about 10 years old. That’s what she was driving last time I saw her, I know it isn’t likely but maybe…
(FIONA circles, slower this time, but more carefully. Her turns are tighter. She remembers to signal. And on the other side of the block they see the blue Camry)
There! Let’s see… is there a spot you can pull over?
FIONA
What are you going to do?
MARCIA
I’m going to see what’s in the car! Get a picture of the license plate. Like I said, it might be hers and who knows why she’s back here, but I think lockpicking indicates a rather seedy reason.
FIONA
So, you want to get yourself involved in some kind of crime? No, grandma. Not happening.
(She turns the corner. Then turns in front of the duplex again. She’s about to pull into the spot when- )
On second thought, let’s keep circling. I don’t trust you not to barge in on whatever that woman is doing and get yourself hurt.
MARCIA
I wouldn’t have to do that if you let me investigate the car.
FIONA
You know that’s not going to happen.
(completing a turn)
Besides, there isn't a place for me to pull in.
MARCIA
What about right there! It’s the perfect size to practice parallel parking!
FIONA
Uh huh, sure. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s right behind the Camry.
MARCIA
Sort of seems like fate, doesn’t it?
FIONA
Nope.
MARCIA
Fee… indulge your grandma… please…
(FIONA relents)
FIONA
Fine, but I’m not paying for any cars getting scratched up! And the second we see something fishy we are getting back in this car!
(For a first time parallel parker she does alright. The spot is a large one, and she may graze the curb, but all in all, no damage done. And took only about twice the time as a regular driver.)
MARCIA
I am really proud of you for doing that, but time is of the essence, so I am going to investigate now and praise you later.